We sank waist deep into a swamp


Up to our chins in sewage

By Lubomyr Prytulak

13Sep2021,  last edited 07Oct2021

The below is written from the point of view of an imaginary Doctor Bob Billable,
Chief Executive BigBrother in the imaginary BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM-SURGERY BROTHERHOOD,
and who looks forward to the upcoming half-century perpetuating the progress made in the past half-century.

as well as to

By Dr Bob Billable

Consider how enchanting is the image below of pirate king Captain Lop, awakening in many children a powerful urge to be exactly like him.


It is to be expected that enchanted children will admire Captain Lop, and be wishing they had an exciting peg leg instead of a boring real leg!  But is this a feeling that is possible for anybody to have?  Alexa Tsoulis-Reay opens her article on the question as follows:

What It's Like To Crave Amputation

In 2004, Dr. Michael First, a professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, coined the term Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) to describe a perplexing condition he’d heard about via a documentary producer: People with perfectly healthy limbs were expressing an intense desire to have them removed.

With professionally designed encouragement, a fleeting emotion experienced by a few can be turned into an irresistable compulsion tormenting many.

We start with the recognition that the great fun of amputation can be enjoyed by children as well as adults:

Fully outfitted pirate
The joy of feigning amputation followed by wooden pegleg is widespread and its implementation is creative:

As is expressed by wearing a sock that has the grain of a wooden peg leg:

Same attempt here, but it fails because of the shoe:

And yet again the presence of the foot weakens the effect:

Here's an admirable effort using tattooing.  Note that this is the right leg photographed first from the side, and then from the rear:

Below we are invited to acknowledge the possibility of not only remaining beautiful despite having a peg leg, but maybe becoming even more beautiful because of it:

Peg Leg Beauty

And which craving for possession of only a single leg is readily satisfied by the simple procedure of amputation, which any number of our BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM-SURGEONS are ready to perform, not for the money it brings them, but for the happiness they can see they are bringing to their patients, many of them children, who confess to feeling trapped inside a body burdened by two legs, when what they yearn for is living free inside a body with only one leg.

Ultimately, limb amputation of any kind can be enjoyed as a family-fun joke, particularly when it is quadrupled and all limbs (arms and legs) are replaced with wooden pegs, and the amputee experiences hilarious frustrations.  A family that does not learn to laugh together is a family in danger of fragmenting.

Also, as Captain Lop demonstrated above, a pirate is incomplete without an eye patch, and which can be seen below to be very attractive, and on pirates of either sex, and therefore alluring to a youngster of either sex in search of his/her career identity.


AN-EYEPATCH-IS-FUN-GIANT-TRICORN.png It too often fails to be appreciated that great joy is to be had improvising upon the theme of lost eye concealed under black eyepatch, especially if skull-and-crossbones embellished.




And neither is a pirate complete without a hook replacing a hand.  Captain Lop at the top of this page has something fancier than a mere hook — he has a flintlock pistol and a dagger, and maybe topped with a tiny hook, making the replacement for his amputated hand begin to resemble a Swiss Army Knife.

However, a simple large hook is traditional, and more aesthetic.  And the hook is sanctified by the precedent of Captain Hook:

How can anyone doubt the profound gratification that becomes apparent when one who is destined to become a pirate acquires a breath-taking hook to replace just an ordinary hand?

And don't forget that it is children who are most in need of bombardment with the message that replacing a hand with a hook is not only normal, it is great fun.

If you want to be a pirate-HOOK

So below we see created another complete pirate.  Look at the profound joy he's experiencing, because he's got it all — eye patch, hook, and peg leg.  Some consider including a parrot as gilding the lilly, but as it might be exactly the final touch needed to overcome pirate-hesitancy, it should be included where feasible.  (And this parrot's cute little tricorn is to die for.)  This is the joy that the millions of people all over the world who were born to be pirates yearn for, and which they deserve, but which almost none ever gets to feel.  And why?  Because millenium after millenium passed without the means to turn dream into reality, until BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM-SURGERY came along and offered the means.

Let us finally embrace what science has been teaching us from time immemorial — that Pirate is one of the five fundamental career paths: Doctor, Farmer, Lawyer, Athlete, Pirate (DFLAP), only one of which is hard-wired into each child's genes, and which of the five a child has been blessed with must be discovered by the child himself or herself, to deny which is to inflict a lifetime of maladjustment and mental anguish and spiritual unrest.



But superficial play-acting, like the above, is not the answer.  The answer is total fulfillment.  The answer is allowing our children to BE WHAT THEY DREAM!  For anyone born to be a pirate king, the only solution is surgical removal of one eye, one hand, and one foot.  If that's what a child needs to accomplish self-fulfillment, then that's what society owes the child.  Society must not neglect its duty.  Nor must society delay self-fulfillment.  If the child has arrived at a career choice at the age of seven, then let the child begin to enjoy it at the age of seven, and not be imprisoned in a state of frustration and alienation and depression until he's nine or ten or whatever.


Nothing said above should be considered to promote career happiness while disregarding career income.  The need to put bread on the table is not being overlooked.  Every career choice brings business opportunities which bring in cash while satisfying inner longing.  One favorite of the piratically-gifted is a beer-with-burgers pub-and-grill in which the pirate king alternately serves as waiter and maître-d' and bartender and raconteur, all to the delight of his guests.  And where oldie favorites are sung nightly and lustily, like "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall".  And even where brawls and sword duels are staged.  This is not a career path stripped of fun and frolic, or of reward for creativity.

Long John Silver PUB


As noted above, piracy is not the sole career choice which has much to gain from medical intervention.  To consider another choice — there are also a great many youngsters who spend no time watching pirate movies or reading pirate comics or playing pirate video games, but who instead are athletic, and who identify with Olympic athletes, and not a few who identify particularly with Paralympic athletes, whose courage and determination and endurance surpass those of ordinary athletes.

However, the Olympic Committee long ago realized that one of the great inequities of Paralympic competition was that each competitor's particular loss varied, and so they were not equally matched.  A swimmer missing a foot from the ankle down is not the same as one missing a hand from the wrist out, and so that standardization is needed to guarantee fairness, and so in order to achieve such standardization, most Paralympic athletes are going to need surgery to qualify.

And so it follows that many youngsters will continue to identify not just with Paralympic athletes generally, but with those afflicted with some particular loss, an instance of which is shown occurring in an artist's conception of what the Year-2071 Norwegian Surgically-Standardized-Paralympic beach volleyball team might look like.


And so the wealth and power and prestige of the BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM SURGERY BROTHERHOOD is expected to climb exponentially up to at least the year 2071, to such a degree that it may be imagined that the previous two U.S. presidents will have enjoyed first careers as BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM-SURGEONS, and the same with the previous three Canadian Prime Ministers, and with a similar increase of BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM power sprouting up around the globe.

A sick and twisted view of the future?  It only seems that way to the amputation-hesitant until they get used to seeing it, and everybody does get used to everything with repetition, and our barrage of repetition began long ago and is today well advanced.

Had people fifty years ago (1971) been told of our transgender surgeries on children today (2021), they would have puked — and yet we have learned to understand that say having your penis and testicles sliced off are gifts from God.  Or rather that they are gifts from the INTERNATIONAL BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM SUPREME COUNCIL, which is close to the same thing.

But, back to the future, we proceed with our plan.  Listen to the refrains "If you want to be a pirate" or "Really want to be a pirate", being repeated twenty times in the "Happy Pirate Song For Toddlers" at   which will leave the response reverberating in the child's mind for days, and for years, and for life.  The response — "Yes, I do want to be a pirate.  Yes, I really do want to be a pirate."

Also, our BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM BROTHERHOOD gently introduces children to the idea that sometimes the most fun a pirate captain can get out of a captive is to murder him, and that while doing so, the captive's terror can be amusing:


What is shown in the photograph below has come to be universally recognized as showing the deep satifaction that is to be had

  • from replacing an unimpressive hand with an impressive hook, and

  • from covering a gouged eye with a dashing black patch,
both giving the impression of having been earned in combat, and thus both attesting to the owner's admirable predisposition to violence:

But can anyone say that the evident delight of children, such as the two above, entitles them to surgery?

Of course not!

They need to be explicitly asked whether they want to become real pirates.  And the question needs to be put again a week later.  And an abundance of caution demands that the question be asked yet again a week after that.

If the answer comes back "Yes, I do really want to be a pirate" all three times, and which is witnessed on at least one of these occasions by a board-certified BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM-SURGEON, then denying the children what they so consistently and earnestly yearn for must be recognized as child abuse, and the assignment of the children to foster care under foster parents who really do care must be regarded as the children's protection from abuse.


Surely expecting such wonderful BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM beings as tri-qualified pirates or surgically-standardized Paralympians as we have been dreaming of above is unrealistic, and will only lead to disappointment when advancement proves to be slower than expected?

But it is by fully appreciating the jaw-dropping progress we have made so far that we can come to believe that our expectations for the future are not at all unrealistic.  Consider how impossible it would have seemed to our 1971 ancestors had a fortune-teller gazed into their crystal balls, and foretold their 2021 future.

Ignore the disapproving headline below — what counts is the societal approval that is demonstrated by the event being allowed to take place, and by its being allowed to be broadcast to boot:

PIERCE MORGAN:  It made me sick to watch a once-male special forces combat veteran beat up a woman on TV — it's time to stop this trans sport insanity before women start being killed

Once-male female combatant photo


The latest statements from Financial Officers in different medical specialties show that the two fastest-growing are BE-WHAT-YOU-DREAM SURGERY and HERE-COMES-1918-ALL-OVER-AGAIN PANDEMICS.

But where we have all fallen short is the curtailment of hate speech, one of many examples being Pope Brock's book bearing the needlessly-provocative title CHARLATAN: AMERICA'S MOST DANGEROUS HUCKSTER.  THE MAN WHO PURSUED HIM, AND THE AGE OF FLIMFLAM, in which can be found such deliberately-hurtful passages as the following:

For in our nation with its special genius for swindle — where swampland, beefsteak mines, and tickets to nonexistent attractions practically sell themselves — medical fraud had always been the king of cons.  At the 1893 World's Fair in Chicago, a man dressed as a cowboy appeared onstage and strangled rattlesnakes by the dozen.  He called what came out of them snake oil.  People bought it.  [...]

Legitimate doctors had difficulty fighting back, their own record being spotty at best.  Take Dr. Benjamin Rush, friend to the founders, signer of the Declaration of Independence, and by common consent the father of American medicine, who for many years after his death remained the nation's best-known physician.  Hardworking, honest, a man who took his role as medical counselor to the nation seriously, he was also a virtual death machine, as grossly misguided as he was sincere.  Rush favored bombing the body with mercury-laced calomel (which caused rampant diarrhea, bleeding of the gums, and uncontrolled drooling), blistering with hot irons (pain to no purpose), tobacco-smoke enemas, and bleeding by the pint.  Some remember him today as the man who murdered George Washington, albeit unintentionally.

It has been our failure that such blasphemies are published as that "medical fraud has always been the king of cons" or that the same person can be both "medical counselor to the nation" and yet "a virtual death machine".

The task before us is to create a world in which such hate speech has been abolished, and those who nevertheless insist on spouting hate are behind bars where their disease can be kept from infecting others.